Just sitting eating dinner with Rory in the kitchen when Mother Mary comes on Radio One.  Seems it is Scott Mills record of the week and he is playing it every day.

Some wise-guy phoned in to ask if it was not just the music from the ba ba ba ba babybell advert.  *snigger*  

It's good to hear it on the radio. 

Things I learned this weekend


If you don't blow up the air bed properly it is NOT comfortable.
If you don't zip up the tent properly your dog may escape and wake up the whole camp site at 5am with her upset barking.
Neighbours can be noisy on their return from the pub.
Neighbours on the other side (hairy bikers) may have good taste in music and play WTTBP followed by Warning.
Somewhere in Newcastle there is a little blonde girl with a teddy bear called Gerard. (NO I kid you not).
While it's not luxurious it's better fun than the Apex Hotel or St Andrews Bay Spa. 








This made his whole life.....  *frowns in dissaproval*

Prompted to do this by reading my flist.

My favourite memory of my Mum is walking along Melville Drive in Edinburgh with her, arm in arm and singing 'On Moonlight Bay' by Doris Day,  

When  Iwas eleven I watched a 'video nasty'  (The Burning)  that really screwed me up for weeks.  Although it was my parents fault for letting me watch it, my Mum came up with the anecdote....  Doris Day movies and hot chocolate at night to help me sleep.  I watched Pillow Talk about 100 times and never looked back.  I still can't watch horror films to this day.  I could excuse the innappropriate viewing by reminding myself that videos when they came out in the early eighties didn't have any age  classification.  It was a horrible time in my life but also one of those periods where something horrible happens and your Mum is there to soothe and comfort  you.  

Sadly these days my Mum remains in the dark about my obstacles in life.  She as enough to contend with.  I can't pinpoint the defining moment that we swapped roles but we have.  I am now the one soothing and comforting her.  If she sees a Doris Day movie is on TV, she will text me.  This makes me smile.

To the person who left the annonymous nasty comment on my journal -   Thanks.  You have confirmed that there are some sick individuals out there and that I should possibly make sure I lock my journal from now on and disable annonymous comments.  Given the direction it is going and the personal nature of some posts. I deleted the post in anger, with hindsight I should have left it up for all to see.

My counsellor and I will have a good laugh at your lack of brains/courage/pubic hair on Tuesday.  Kindly crawl back under whatever rock you came from. 

This is the last unlocked post I will make.   From now on annonymous comments are disabled and non friends comments screened.

Which My Chemical Romance member are YOU?? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Gerard You are most like Gerard! You are the leader. You like to be yourself and arent afraid to express yourself. You have close friends who care about you alot and you love to draw all the time. Gerard 58% Bob 50% Ray 46% Frank 46% Mikey 42%

 

I e mailed Jill my counsellor with my work concerns. This is what she said.

Is this bag worth £40 and a ten week waitng list wait. And is green/blue the colour of coice... or is heather or lipstick. *scratches head*

http://www.boden.co.uk/col.asp?styid=AM101&segname=Women&segid=6&gpname=Bags&desname=Fun+Shopper&gpid=2&gen=1&col=GRN

Stolen from thepanicbegins


Dear thumbaleenaI don't really know how to tell you this, but our affair is over.  I think I realised it when I threw up with Paris Hilton and I saw you pull  the clothes off my father.  I'm sure your frostbitten enough to understand that santa doesn't exist.  I'm returning your love letter to you but I'll keep your left ear as a memory.  You should also know that I told in my confession today about our friendship.  Best regards girltufty

First of all I would like to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who either e mailed, texted, IM'd, or sent me a message through Live Journal yesterday.  I do intend to reply to the comments as soon as I can.  One of the uncontrolable feelings I am going through is shame and that I don't deserve anyone to support me because I did this all myself. 

Tiny baby steps.

Last night I told my husband everything. All the details.  Skipping meals so that the drugs had a better hit.  Taking so much that I had to walk 5 miles at night to try and wear myself out becuase I couldn't sit down.  Sending him to the surgery for repeats so not to draw attention to   the frequency of the request for more.  Drinking 2 bottles of wine so I would sleep.  When I was telling him this I could see him nod.  He said he had been wondering for a while if there was a problem but was not sure how to bring up the subject.  He is being amazing. He is upset that it got this bad. Questioning why they were far too easy to get my hands on without a GP review.  

When he asked me what I got from them.  I tried to explain. I thought that without them I wouldn't have the confidence to speak to anyone.  I thought if I took them I would be  a better Mother as I would be a fun Mum.   When Lyn came last weekend for The Good Charlotte concert I thought 'thank goodness I have my tablets.  She won't want to hang out with me if I don't.'  It was the same when Sylv came last year and in Nottingham.  I am ashamed to say I was so drunk before the Good Charlotte concert I can't remember getting in the taxi to go there.  If I could turn thte clock back and go to that concert totally straight I would, because I am not sure I can remember everything that happened.  That makes me sad.   The reality is that in the end the drugs  only made me irritable with violent mood swings and a compulsion to have a supply at any time so strong that I was lying to myself about being addicted.

Today I contacted a support group that a friend directed me to.  A counsellor is in touch with me and I am waiting for her to get back to me with my appoinment.  I hope it is next week.  She said it's not too busy and they will see me.

From last night to today everything has turned around.

Edit   Appointment tomorrow at 11am with drug counsellor.

'One bottle of valium which I have procured from my mother who is, in her own domestic and  socially acceptable way, also a drug addict.'

Trainspotting.  


For four years I have been addicted to prescription painkillers.  What started out quite innocently has deteriorated into a full blown habit.  I have know for about three years the extent of my problem.  I can wean myself off them.  I have to every so often because they stop working when you take as many as I do every day. (12-20)   The physical withdrawal is not hard.  Not compared to having the strength to never take them again.  I have come off them many times and the thing that keeps me going  when I have a sweat on my back like a layer of frost and I can't sleep?    The knowledge that I can still take them again in a couple of weeks and the hit will be so much better.

I spoke to a friend this morning from my flist.  For the first time I know now.   I have had my moment of clarity.   See,  I have made posts before about 'cleaning up'.  But it has never EVER been cleaning up with a view to staying clean.   For someone to actually tell me I need support from NA and to agree about the social addiction being harder than the physical withdrawal has been the defining turnaround moment for me.  Thank you.  That hour was so important this morning.    I cried the whole time I was chatting to you and for about half an hour after.  I don't know why.  It is either a release that I have admitted it needs to stop or fear of not being able to.

I drink a bottle and a half of wine every night.  Raymond doesn't think  this is alcoholism.  I am sure when my Dad was my age he didn't think he was an alcoholic either.  He is now and I give him 6 months to live.

I can't tell anyone round here.  I  am concerned about Ray and what he will say if I tell him about the pills.  Or maybe I don't want to tell him because thats another step to admission that this is a serious addiction.  If I dont tell him and then I have a relapse he will not know.  But what kind of train of thought is that?

I have the numbers and information about drug support groups and AA.  

Writing this was scarier than I thought.  I was going to screen it but I am not even friends locking it.  Because pretending and hiding is not going to help me.

Designed by Clare. Who is so talented. *hugs*

Not sure where to get it. Ray said ankle, I said forearm. Not sure what my work will say about it.



 

Does anyone know what this is from or have any footage of it?

I am sure that Lyn won't mind me sharing this. Before she came up I was a little worried. Sometimes I get filled with low self esteem and wonder what on earth I will be able to say of any interest to anyone. I can put my hand on my heart now and tell you this. I have never laughed so much in three days EVER. From the taxi ride to the hotel to Kurt Cobain haunting the room. The hysterical shrieking of laugther on the bus tour when the slightly 'special' guide started shouting PIDGEON ALERT!! Leaving twix bars on the balcony and nutella in the elevator, and on the last day writting 'I Love Dogs - Pete Wentz' when asked to leave feedback on a comment card. lyn getting attacked by my own dog and lets not forget answering an ad in Kerrang to join a band.

*holds sides in a writhing pool of mirth*

Thank you Lyn. Your AMAZING.


Some photos from the weekend and for any one who missed it, my moment of fame at he GC concert when JOEL FUCKING MADDEN took my gift on stage.